Colin changed my life  / Fiona (Friend)
I got this lovely letter from someone i met. She sent it to me in my inbox, but i needed to post it - because it was so beautiful! Thank you Fiona! you helped my  night!


I don't know if you'll remember me, but I bought a sit-n-stand stroller from you off of craigslist nearly a year ago, and you sent me several lovely emails. I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of your family and especially your sweet little Colin today (a day that I share with your little sweetie in a special way - today, Oct 22nd, is also my birthday). I was so touched by Colin's life and and your family's story, and I have never forgotten you guys. This website is
amazing - the love you and your whole family (and friends) have for Colin is so beautiful and SO moving! The unfailing love you have for your son is so beautiful and an example to everyone around you. All of us need a reminder to truly love and cherish our children, and to treasure every single moment with them. I'm sure that there is an incredible amount of pain inside you, for this was an unimagineable loss, but please also know that the love you have for Colin
shines through you so bright and so very strong. The greatest commandment is simply "to love one another," and Colin - in his short but very powerful little life - has and continues to bring that message home to everyone around him. I read in your tribute post that you are afraid of moving farther away from him and his memory fading, but Sibahan....you need never fear there being a distance
between you and Colin or losing touch with him, because it is your love for each other that keeps you close, and that will never fade. "In a word, there are three things that last forever: faith, hope, and love. The greatest of these is love."

I will say a special prayer for your family tonight, my dear. Thank you for bringing a little boy into this world who has changed mine.

Much love,
Fiona
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Its 2 yrs.  / Mommy
Its amazing how much our life has stayed the same since you died. We still feel somedays, like it was yesterday. We see that Owen has grown, we have a new addition to the family, and somethings we never noticed, are new or bigger.

We miss you just as much as the day we let you go 2 years before. Sometimes the hurt is too much to bear. At 8:10 pm tonight, 2 yrs  ago, our world came crashing down. Its slowly building back up, but i know it will never be the same. We will always have that crumbled foundation in the middle of the newly built skyscraper. (if you can imagine that) 

I sometimes second guess the choice we made, but we really had only 3 bad choices to make, none of which i would have asked for. To have you die in minuites, have you die overnight, or maybe live a week, are not at all good choices. We choose to let you go, because we had so much love for you. I will never be happy with that, because we just didnt want to ever let you go, or even have you sick in the 1st place, but  I need to be at peace with the decision to not let you suffer threw one more surgery, and leave you go home. Though we are all left crying and hurting here, it would have been selfish if i kept you. 

I go in your room at least 2 times a day, to pick up your sister, or put her down for bed. Everytime i look in your bed, i think of you. I always hope i will see your smiling face look back at me. On these days, like today, i see your little sister, the one you sent to us, and she puts a little sunshine back in our lives.  She will never make it "better" but she sure can help make us smile. Shes got your eyes, and your smile, she looks so much like you. It makes us so happy to have her. 

I pulled out a bag of your clothes today, and smelled them. I felt again close to you. Like it was yesterday. It makes my stomach curl when i think and feel you. I just hope you know how much daddy and I loved you. Even your brother Owen. And i know all your aunts/uncles, and grandparents, and even friends. Aunt Candice is getting married in June, and she said you had such a big impact on her life, she wants to incorporate you in her wedding in some way. She wants everyone to know how much we all loved you. It will be a hard day, being at the church where we had your funeral (which i havent been back yet) and i turned down being in the wedding, because i know i will grab a seat in the back, and sob. -- but like most other anniversaries, or special places, i prepare myself for the worst, develop a hard skin,and leather myself threw it. I will do it again that day. 

Bottom line is, we miss you. I know our lives will never be the same. I am just waiting for the call from CHOP saying you are better.

I love you. Missing you so much, today and every day.
Love, forever you mom, Me

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Thinking of you this weekend  / Connie Hillman (friend From CHOP)
Anniversaries are so hard for us. The anticipation and the actual day. Please know that I am thinking of you and I do often. The support group day was changed, so we can't make it this time around to give you the hugs that you need in person. Hopefully my prayers will help to give you that extra support you need this time of year. Colin is a beautiful child and a special angel. He will always be with you---in your heart, in your mind and in your life. Nothing can ever take that away. XXXOOO Close

God lent me his child, Colin  / Mommy
"I'll lend you for a liittle while a child of mine," God said, "For you to love the while he lives and mourn for when he's dead. It may be six or seven years or forty-two or three, But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?" "He'll bring his charms to gladden you and should his stay be brief, You'll have all your memories as a solace for your grief. I cannot promise he will stay, since all from Earth must return. But there are lessons taught below I want this child to learn." "I've looked this whole world over in my search for teachers true, and from the things that crowd life's lane, I have chosen YOU. Now will you give him all your love nor think the labor vain? Nor hate me when I come to take this lent child back again?" "I fancied that I heard them say, "Dear God-Thy will be done. For all the joys thy child will bring the risk of grief we'll run. We will shelter him with tenderness, we'll love while we may, and for the happiness we've known forever grateful stay. But should thy Angels call for him much sooner than we planned, We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand."


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Scared / Mommy
I am scared to go through the next few days. I am scared to be with out you. I have been toughing my skin trying to make sure i can make it through the weekend. I dont care if its been one week, or 10 years since you died, it still will be wrong. It still will hurt the same. I think you just learn to live with the pain. I am starting to learn, but it still hurts more than people know. 
I am sick to my stomach this week, and i know why. I sometimes cant believe i can get through the days. Each day is one more that takes me further from you. The last time i held you, the last time i smelled you. I feel that ball in my throat all week. I am holding it together. Trying not to loose it.
I know i am. I am loosing it now. I have so much in my life, and my family....a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter and the best little handsome Man in the world, Owen. But i am missing something so important. My love, my heart, my Colin. 
I hope you will be with us this week. I miss you more than anyone can imagine. Those triggers are always there.....
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Thinking of you today!  / Jessie Kilian's Mom

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