our trip  / Mommy (mom forever )

We are leaving on Friday for our trip to Disney with the whole Sanders gang. I am trying to be strong, and supportive, and not loose it. I cant help but remember what i am missing in Disney. The happiest place on earth, will be without an important part of my family. My son.
You gave us so much. You gave us a beatuiful house this year, and i  know you were behind the very special people you put us in the middle of, our new friends. I know you are always here with us, and i have been having a hard time feeling you lately....

Me and your sister went to visit you today. She loves to visit her 'baby con-in" Shes getting so big, and so cute. I love to have her go with me to the cemetary. It made me so happy when i told Dad we went to the cemetary, and Owen got mad i didnt take him. We have to go visit tomorrow, and for sure, he will appreciate it.

Fall was always that time of the year, where i miss you. Its the time when the leaves all start to die, and the world looks so bare. Not only did you die in October, but our lives stopped in October-much like the weather. My heart has felt so bare, and dormant since you died. It still is feeling so unreal. I guess its a natural protection. I look at pics of Owen, and Ceira, since you died, and i have a hard time remembering that time....between Oct 2004 and about April 2007.

Its always hard to put on a brave face, i will have to try extra hard this year. This will also be the first anniversary, that we have missed visiting you at the Cemetary. I know you will be in the fireworks, when we see you in Disney.  I will be sure to leave you a kiss on your memorial at Epcot also. We love you, and i will be seeing you soon.

Your mom forever.........

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Your 4th bday  / Mommy
So, we are packing up the house, making room for the big move! Its coming in 18 days and yes--counting! We were supposed to make settlement tomorrow-- but as anticipated-- its going to be too hard of a day.

Colin turns 4 tomorrow. My angel is celebrating in heaven. So much has changed in these 4 years, and so much has come of our life.

Colin allowed for us to have this new house. He died-- but not in vain. He gave us enough to afford a beautiful new house, in the suburbs, with everything we want-- everything but one thing-- Colin.

I am packing up this house, and i feel like i am packing up all the hatred, and the anger, and the madness associated with his death- but now the pain is left. I also am packing up a ton of memories in this house-- leftover pain meds that i just never got rid of, we shoved them in the back cabinet, hoping to forget about them-- the little swabby wipes for Colins sticky stuff to hold his feeding tube in- not to mention, tons of syringes, little clothes, and more, that have been shoved in the deep dark corners of my house-- much like most of the feelings associated with that...

Owen and Ceira also leave alot of memories in this house. I am sad for leaving them behind also- especially when you spend so much time in a house-- you tend to miss them when you move. I remember watching Owen climb up the steps for the first time here-bringing home Ceira and the corner she slept in, in my room. The stain in the carpet from when Owen had to be a big boy-- and spilled RED fruit punch on the carpet-- just the little things-- that make you think so much about your life. There was always the things there, that reminded me of Colin, but when you have to pack up that part of your life, and move forward, its a much different feeling. A very sad feeling.

We move on. The walls are bare tonight- the rooms have lots of boxes in them. Much like my heart. The walls are exposed-- and soiled, and dirty....

I am looking forward to our new journey in our new house. I know Colin will be there with us, but its just so hard. Hard to leave him when he was here....much like it was hard to leave the hospital that night-- when he died, and not go back. Each time i go to the hospital, that feeling of "hard to leave, because he was here"....is there. I am sure i will feel that way about this house-- forever.

Well--its way past my bed time-- since i have been battling this insomnia that sets in...usually on occasion. I need to try to get some sleep-- its less than 45 min before Colins bday-- so ...

Colin,

Happy birthday my sweet angel. Know that mommy misses you so much, and your familiy will never forget you. I sure hope there is a Heaven- because i can't wait to hug you and hold you once again.

Happy birthday.-

Love, mom

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Thinking of you  / Suzanne Thompson (None (guest) )
Just wanted to send your family love,hugs and prayers. I dont know what its like to lose a child,but its my worst nightmare. Because of this,i realize the pain you must be going through.
From our family here in Australia to yours wherever you are please know im praying for you,thinking of you all,and sending love and hugs to you in the memory of your special little man.
I watched your video,and it made me cry so much,im sorry you had to go through this. I would give anything for you to have him back again.

Love to you all

Suzanne and Family. :) Close

melanie.seese@grupom-cb.com / Melanie Seese
I just saw your video of your little angel colin and I was crying and crying becauese it reminded me so much about my sons time in the hospital - he died after 6 weeks on being on the ventilator since he was born premature (27 weeks) Our thoughts are with you. You really had a beautiful little son. Melli Close

Found a poem for you Sibahan... Grab the tissues first!  / Colleen Borton (Aunt (Dede) )

I couldn't finish this without crying... 
I KNOW you will love it though...

What Makes A Mother
-Author Unknown -

I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother
and I know I heard him say...

"A mother has a baby."
This we know is true.
But can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

"Yes, you can," He said
with confidence in His voice.
"I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
and others for a day.
Some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay."

I just don't understand this, God.
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

"I wish that I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

'We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh, so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh, so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, don't be sad today.
I'm your baby and I'm here." '

So, you see, my dear sweet one,
your child is okay.
Your baby is here in my home
and this is where he'll stay.

He'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
he'll be at the gates for you.

So, now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not see
you're a mother with a son.
They'll be up here with me one day
and know you're the best one."

Author Unknown

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Happy Birthday  / Christine Singer (friend of mommy )
I just wanted to stop by and wish Colin a very happy birthday! Close